Name: Jay Gatsby
Origins: Midwestern
Calling Cards: Beautiful shirts, nefariously gained wealth, obsession with adolescent love, mint juleps, heightened sensitivity to the promises of life
Bête Noire: Princeton polo players; green light at the end of the dock; swimming pools
Social Climbing Coup de Grâce: Casually mentioning time spent at Oxford
As previously mentioned, the one thing that any upwardly-mobile person must be aware of is their aura of desperation. Once others pick up on the all-consuming ambition smoldering under your faked smile, you can kiss your social aspirations ciao, ciao. One way to to avoid seeming desperate is by not liking anything, or rather, not admitting to liking anything. The goal is to appear so jaded, so unphased, so beyond it all, that nothing, absolutely nothing pleases you.
So borrrrrrrred….
That being said, there is a fine line between coming off as culturally superior and coming off as a sourpuss, so make sure to have a pseudo-intellectual reason for not liking something, or concede that something used to be good until so many other people discovered it (like, for example, the person who is trying to convince you it’s cool). This works especially well when talking about music or bars but can apply to nearly anything. The Hamptons? I don’t know….they seem a little arriviste to me these days….
Clearly, you are a human and there must be somethings you like, however, you should never admit to liking these things unless a high priest or priestess of culture has told you in was o.k. to like those things in, say, this month’s issue of Vogue. For a really ballsy maneuver though, claim not to like something that everyone else is buzzing about. I know everyone is talking about how exciting X is, but I just don’t see it. This is a somewhat advanced move so only attempt if you’re already your circle’s arbiter of culture. Otherwise, people might think you’re full of shit, which, of course, you are.
Jaded.
—Oscar Wilde
While many teenagers choose colleges based on academics, extracurriculars, and “fit”, social climbers need to be more consciences when choosing where to spend the most wonderful four years of their lives. While most of the ivy league and a select number of liberal arts colleges are acceptable, a few schools stand above the rest in terms of facilitating “meeting the right people.”
Brown: For the social climber with bohemian inclinations, Brown is a great place to meet trustafarians, children of the rich and famous who want to set the world on fire but who can’t handle “letter grades” (not a thing here). Unlike some other New England counterparts, most Brown graduates end up in Manhattan at some point, usually below 14th street where they have hired someone else to run that non-profit their dads gave them funding for.
Princeton: Where American social climbing got its start (see: This Side of Paradaise). There are almost as many exclusive and/or secret societies as Yale (belonging to an exclusive club in college is usually the first step in an auspicious social climbing career) while being more fun and generally more attractive. Your classmates in your eating club will probably run the world someday so be vague when Ivy asks about your could-be famous last name during bicker.
Black and Orange: This Side of Paradise Indeed
NYU: Similar to Brown, NYU is for the dubiously-hipster social climber while giving students a head start in navigating the upper echelons of New York society. Get an internship early and often; if you graduate without having made out with someone famous, you have failed.
Trinity College: The list of Trinity’s incoming freshman class reads like an Edith Wharton novel. Name an old New York family and they boast a Trinity alum if not several. For the social climber who wants all the prep and exclusivity of Princeton without all that work- just don’t get kidnapped on your midnight walk to The Hall-Hartford is more dangerous that most South American locales.
Columbia: The only ivy in the city, it’s obvious why this would appeal to the upwardly mobile. While campus is located in a Manhattan desert, befriend the children of the glitterati early so you can go downtown on someone else’s dollar. Be sure to “get good grades” and tell people you’re planning on “going into finance” all while trolling TriBeCa and the UES for a future sugar daddy/mama.
—Social climbing commandment of the day
So now that you live here, you’re probably realizing that everyone around you entertains the same illusions of grandeur that you do. Whether it’s the girls in your NYU dorm who are pestering you about what Condé internship they should apply for or the guy in the apt under you who is also trying to ‘make it big as a musician’ and really thinks ‘this year is going to be his year’, people here are ambitious. This is a good thing. But because you are actually more ambitious than your cohorts as evidenced by your visiting this site, you must hide this ambition. This is very important.
Dreams of Grandeur
There is nothing that displeases more than desperation (this website reeks of it, for instance). One should not aspire, one should just be. One should never have to convince another about one’s superiority; it should be evident. When speaking to one of a higher social status, it is very important that you hide your naked ambition behind a veil of casual malaise through which you hint at your accomplishments, like casually mentioning the time you spent at Oxford or the handbag line you used to design. The more vague you are about these periods in your life the better.
When at the party you’ve been planning to go to for weeks, make sure to mention how boring the scene is (you have seen it all; you’re jaded; having fun is both boring and beneath you). If it’s some sort of a benefit in an UES hotel’s ballroom, complain how the host is trying too hard to make the evening seem plucked from the 19th century. This always, always works. Also things you might want to discuss are books that you have never read nor intend to read but were reviewed in the NYTimes; your partner, like you, has not read them either but they will pretend to the death (see Chad Harbach’s The Art of Fielding).+10 when reviewed by Michiko Kakutani. At the end of the evening, loudly announce that you need some fresh air (it’s so stuffy in there, isn’t it) and offer to go to the bar/restaurant down the street which you say is the onnnly thing around even if it is sooooo 2005.
Note: Regardless of when a restaurant opens or how much buzz it is getting, ALL restaurants in New York are so 2005. If your companion actually admits to liking said restaurant (rookie mistake), even better; they will start to feel insecure about liking it and will consider your cultural superiority. Unless it is owned by Thomas Keller in which case, it is mother’s milk to you. Be sure to causally mention that while his restaurants in NYC are greaaaaat, you got spoiled after going to Yountville last summer.
If you, for some reason, are here because your bus broke down at the Port Authority and lack aforementioned ambitions, make ambitions up. It is just as important to have ‘goals’ as it is to bury these goals in a veil of malaise so as not to seem like one is ‘trying to hard.’ If you can’t do this, move to Bushwick immediately and/or go back to Indiana and beg your old boss for your waitressing job back.
Capote: Patron Saint of Social Climbing
….congratulations on your upwardly-mobile lifestyle choices! If you don’t know what I’m talking about and are only here “for the academics” or “for the job”, don’t worry— THE NEW YORK SOCIAL CLIMBER’S HANDBOOK will teach you everything you really need to knoW to live here, like how to skip any line in the meatpacking district, talk about “going into finance” in a way that will impress your friends who went to some podunk liberal arts college in Massachusetts (suckers) as well at that guy down the bar at Southside, who, just happens to work for the same firm your parents complain is ruining the social fabric of this country (though, they would still be really proud if said firm offered you a job), what occasions demand a Goyard all before you can say Hamptons sharehouse. Ready to hide your Midwest origins? Let’s get started Jay Gatz….the first thing that needs to go is that name…..
